Self-Reflection Isn’t Always Pretty

Blizzard 2017 decided to dump some snow on us and we called her Stella!  Many people on social media voiced their anger at the inconvenience of this “springtime” snowstorm.  As I chuckled to myself, I embraced the journey that I was about to embark on, called reflection.

Schools began announcing closings Monday evening, and as of today, still no school.  I was thrilled at the fact that I was going to be able to sleep in on Tuesday.  Take the time to catch up on things that I had been neglecting and checking things off of my list of things to do.  Little did I know that the thing that I needed to catch up on that I had been neglecting, was me.  I watched movies, I ate junk food, I shoveled the driveway (counteracted the junk food), I journaled, pulled cards and I reflected.

I submerged myself in a detox bath, lit a white candle, filled the air with lavender and called it tranquility.  With that came moments of self-reflection.  Some good, some not so good.  One of the things tho that I realized was that many people come in and out of our lives.  Some for years, some for months, some for minutes, and some for seconds.  Each and everyone of those people whom I have crossed paths with, has enabled me to become who I am, developed me on this journey called life, and I am so grateful.  Of all that crossed my mind and heart, there is one in particular who for a brief moment, stopped my heart.  After years, of failed relationships and life’s lessons, I truly thought in that one, split-second connection, I had met the one.  You know, the one that you felt you had a life connection with, the one that makes you see fireworks, instantaneously magical!

In my heart, I was convinced, but was he?  He met my friends and family, he spent time with me, and we, slowly, were getting to know each other.  The one thing that I didn’t plan on was that instead of getting to know him, I was getting to know me.  This connection transpired during the holiday season, the first that I was to celebrate without my Dad.  I believed in my heart of hearts that I had this grieving thing under control, boy was I wrong.  I realized that instead of grieving, I was numbing myself to push me threw the time.  Lesson 1.  So, I allowed myself, to cry, to feel, to hate, to question, and to realize that this was now my new normal.  

Not knowing exactly where I stood with Mr. I Think He’s The One, led me to a lot of anxiety.  Never having experienced it to that level, made me realize that my gut was perhaps trying to tell me something, so perhaps I should finally listen to it and trust it.  Lesson 2.  Trust….that lesson that keeps popping up!  

Now, I have never been one for patience, and you would think after four children that it would have appeared at some point.  Yeah, NO!  I was nervous, I was anxious, I was scared of saying the wrong thing, and just was trying my hardest to just let things happen.  With that being said, our last text message was on a Friday, he never responded….until Monday morning.  In the past, I would have listened to where he disappeared to, I would have believed it, and then I would have been angry at myself for not realizing that I didn’t deserve that type of treatment.  So, in a little less then a month, I brought this prospect of a hopeful relationship to a rapid halt.  I reached out stating that I cared about him, but realized that we were on two totally different paths, and basically, wished him the best.  Was it harsh?  Perhaps.  So then you ask, why?  Well, because after years of allowing myself to be walked on, I finally knew that I loved myself.  Loved myself enough to stand up for myself and set boundaries to not allow my feelings to be suppressed for fear of making someone else angry.  Lesson 3.

I really believed at that moment in time, I was finally learning a huge lesson and beginning to feel what self-love was all about.  Nope…..time has since passed.  What I failed to tell you is he reached out stating, “so you never want to talk to me again?”  I never responded.  Truth be told, I did (and sometimes still do), but I also knew that I didn’t have the willpower to stand up for myself when in his presence.  Do I regret not having closure? Yes, but without that closure I was able to see how I have grown; see that I am more capable of self-love today then I ever was before, an most importantly realize and learn that I have given so much power to the people who have hurt me, by continuing to harbor that pain and deflect it on future relationships.  Lesson 4.

The biggest lesson that I have learned here tho is that I have many times in my past sabotaged my relationships before they even happened because I was so sure that that person was going to hurt me…FEAR!  The fear of not being loved before the opportunity arose; the fear of being rejected because of not being exactly what someone else wanted; the fear of not ever being good enough.  In that short, one month time span, I truly learned more about myself then in years gone by.  I am forever grateful to that person for crossing my path, for not only being one of the most magical moments in my life, but for being my greatest teacher (thus far)!  

So the next time that you believe that you have learned all the lessons from that one relationship….think again, because the lesson, many times, has only just begun!!! 

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